Communication: Stating Desires and Saying No

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Dirty Talk Advice ColumnCommunication. It’s a thing. Effective communication is the lube that prevents uncomfortable chafing in our interactions with others. However, it is often much much harder than we would like it to be. Despite the fact that improved communication is beneficial all the way around, many of us still stumble with using it effectively. Which is a pity.

Today’s column is all about communication and that problems that can arise when we do not do it effectively. From to talking to our partners about our desires to passing on a partner’s fantasies, these are all situations that go much smoother with clear and effective communication.
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How Do I Get My Partner To Take Control?

“I want my partner to occasionally take full control. It is a huge fantasy of mine. What can I do to realize it? I don’t know how to get started.”—Take Control Please

Control CommunicationYour first and most important step is to fill your partner in on your desires, if you have not already done so. If your partner has no idea of your cravings to be controlled your odds of it happening are low indeed. For many of us, opening up our mouths and saying what we want can make us feel uncomfortable. So instead we shout it loudly at our partners inside our heads—without ever moving our lips. This puts the burden of mind reading onto our partners (a task they are unlikely to pull off) leaving everyone frustrated.

If you have already communicated your desires to your partner and they still haven’t acted on them, that is a whole separate situation. Dominance is innate. While one can take classes, watch instructional videos, and read books to polish their overall technique, if Dominance is not part of your partner’s basic wiring, you are not going to be able to force them into that role.

Once you have told your partner about your craving to have them take control and they do not leap at the chance, then the odds are that Dominating others isn’t all that exciting for them. A possible work around is Topping. Topping is the act of taking charge in the moment for an activity. You do not have to be Dominant to top. Perhaps your partner is okay with service Topping you in the bedroom for the night? There is only one way to find out—you have to engage in effective communication. Good luck and may all of your bottoming dreams come true.

How Do I Disclose My Desires Without My Partner Judging Me?

“I have always fantasized about being pegged, but I have never had the courage to tell any of my partners. I am so worried that they will think that I am gay or somehow less of a man. How can I tell my girlfriend what I want without her freaking out or judging me?”—Bend Over Boyfriend

Pegging CommunicationWhile I am a BIG believer in clearly and honestly stating your particular needs and desires before entering into a relationship, in your case that ship has already sailed. It sounds like this is a craving that you have always had. Since it is not going anywhere anytime soon, it is definitely time to address it.

Before you even discuss your desires with her, I want to unpack the baggage that receiving anal insertion somehow makes you “less of a man” or gay. Nothing could be further from the truth (Check out my article for Tauntus Toys on this subject: The Beauty Of The Backdoor). A man’s prostate gland in located inside his anal cavity and it is an absolute treasure trove of pleasure. So many men are cutting themselves off from mind blowing bliss because they are afraid that they will somehow become less of a man by having something inserted in them. And who is the person putting the fingers, toy or strap on in you? Are they male or female? If they are not male, how can it be gay? When a man and woman engage in sexual activity with each other, it is pretty much the opposite of homosexuality. 

Since your desire to be pegged isn’t going anywhere, it is time to sit down and have an honest conversation with your girlfriend about your needs. If she freaks out and cannot deal, you now have two options: either the relationship with her is more important to you than your desire to be pegged and you take a peg free relationship, or you decide that getting your pegging needs are important enough to you that you find a new girlfriend that is okay with your specific desires. Only you can decide what is the right path for you.

And hey! You never know. She might have always had an interest in pegging and was just uncertain how to bring the subject up. If she is, here are some beginner toys to get the two of you started on your anal journey and some other columns where I cover the how to’s of this topic. The better your communication with your partner is, the more you will get your needs met. Good luck and happy pegging!

How Do I Communicate My Disinterest In My Partner’s Desire?

“How do I let down a sex partner when they open up about a desire that I am just not into or outright opposed to?”—Saying No Thanks

Boundaries CommunicationIn a word? Nicely. But in two words? Nicely AND clearly. When a partner opens up and shares a desire with you, they are making themselves vulnerable and exposing their desires to you. In an ideal world, we would perfectly mesh with our partners and all of our desires would be eagerly accepted and explored.

Alas, the odds are just not in our favor. The odds that we are perfectly sexually compatible with our partners in every single way are low. So we find someone that is close enough, hopefully in the 80 to 90 percent range, and compromise on the rest.

If your partner reveals a desire that you do not wish to explore, you tell them, without the baggage of shame or judgment, that it simply isn’t your cup of tea. And you do it in an unambiguous way, leaving no room for doubt. That is your responsibility. Your partner’s responsibility is to accept this information without sulking or pouting. Trouble can arise when a partner cannot accept your decision with grace. If they start pressuring you or trying to guilt you into something that you do not enjoy, I consider that to be a huge red flag. I run, not walk away, from partners that do not respect my stated limits.

Try and find a compromise. Come up with an activity that works for both of you and turns you both on. There should be some common ground that everyone gets something out of. Find that common ground and hang out there.


Keep it Kinky My Friends,

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