Safer Sex, STIs, and Fluid Bonding

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Dirty Talk Advice ColumnSex done raw, full of abandon and passion, is one of the most incredible experiences one can have as a human being. Unfortunately, being a human being comes with liabilities and safety precautions. While we may wish that we did not have to bother with health discussions and safer sex techniques, just skipping directly to the epic banging, that is not the world that we live in.

A responsible sexually active adult has the discussions needed before engaging in interactions with new partners. As awkward as those conversations may feel, they do become easier to do over time. Today we’re talking about safer sex: how to communicate your needs, exposure to STIs, and how exactly fluid bonding works. If the information here is helpful to you in any way, by all means feel free to pass it on to others!

How Do I Comfortably Discuss Safer Sex Practices With My Partners?

“I want to practice safer sex techniques, but find it so hard to be assertive on the topic. I find myself unable to voice my thoughts on the topic because it always feels so awkward. How do I bring up wearing gloves or using dental dams without offending a potential partner?”–Safer Sex Shame

Safer Sex CommunicationYour conundrum SSS is, alas, a common one. As much as I wish this was not the case. We find talking to our partners about our sexual needs and desires hard enough as it is. Adding discussion about safer sex practices just compounds the difficulty.

Regrettably, there is often much baggage and shame associated with our sexuality. It is under this cloud of shame that proper communication about safer sex practices gets buried. It is this cloud that causes us to not bring up our concerns or desires around safety. This is how things happen that we may later regret.

The way I view it, the possible discomfort of being assertive about my sexual health is momentary. This is preferable to going through a sexual experience where I could not fully relax and enjoy the moment because of some internal reservations. Any partner that would shame you or be offended by your safety needs is not a partner that deserves to have access to your flesh.

As hard as you might find it to be, I strongly encourage you to have zero reservations about standing up for you and your needs. Do it. Your body and your needs are valid and important and deserved to be voiced in all situations. You need to become your strongest advocate. It might take time and practice, but the more you do it, the easier future discussions will become.  

And hey, think of these discussions as a very effective weeding out process. If someone is not receptive to your needs, you do not need to be with them. For me, safer IS sexy. It allows me to fully relax and have fun. When there is not a small part of my brain sending up flags of concern I can really appreciate the moment for what it is. Stand up for what you need to in order to feel good about the situation and do not engage with people that can not appreciate that fact.

Do Some People Think Exposure To STIs Help Buildup An Immunity?

“Do you know if there are people out there who think that exposure to STIs may increase their immunity to those things? Say in the same way that children that grow up in non-sterile environments have stronger immune systems?”–Exposure Breeds Strength?

STI ImmunityShort answer, Yes. Most definitely. In the industry, I have heard multiple men (interestingly enough, never women) espouse that theory. There are a number of male porn stars that have told me with utter conviction that their frequent exposure to multiple partners acts as an immune booster and as a result they never contract an STI.

Such theories are, of course, utter hogwash. If it was true, Magic Johnson would have never contracted HIV. He would have just kept cheerfully plowing his way through rivers of pussy his entire life. But that isn’t how it works. 

This assumption is a classic post hoc fallacy. Psychologically what happens is that as the person’s number of partners grows over time and no STI is ever contracted, some people begin to believe that they are somehow immune or have become immune to getting anything. It isn’t like after exposure to enough different partners one is somehow granted a bulletproof immune system.

Just because one is very sexually active and has had multiple partners without ever contracting a STI does not mean they have developed a superhuman immune system. They are just lucky. They could be very lucky indeed. But if you keep rolling the dice, eventually they will come up snake eyes. That is how math works.

There is nothing wrong with being sexually active with as many partners as one desires, as long as everyone is consenting and protection is used. As for me? I will never make the assumption that just because I have yet to contract anything as a sexually active adult I am impervious to STIs. The more relaxed I am, the more fun I have. And I find being safe and careful with my sexual health to be very relaxing indeed.

Can You Be Fluid Bonded To More Than One Person?

“It seems that the people I run into have a lot of different opinions on what exactly “fluid bonded” means. I figured that you were the person to ask. Does it only apply to one person? Or can you be fluid bonded with more than one person at the same time?”–Fluid Bonding Protocol

Test ResultsOne can absolutely be fluid bonded with more than one person at a time. Fluid bonding is simply an agreement between partners in a relationship to practice unprotected sexual intercourse. If you are polyamorous, there could certainly be a situation where you are fluid bonded with more than one individual at the same time.

What makes fluid bonding different than just random hookups with multiple people is the informed and careful consent of all parties involved. One does not rush pell-mell into not using protection with another person and call it fluid bonding. Before you get to the point where protection is discontinued, there should be a lot of honest discussion between all parties involved. Everyone should be tested and current test results should be shared.

I always find the occasion when test results are shared to be a special occasion, and I like it to have a little bit of ceremony. Once I had a partner that printed their results out on high grade card stock and then wrapped them up like a medieval scroll with red ribbons. The scroll was presented to me with some flourish and I never forgot it. What was already an exciting moment was made more exciting by a bit of flair. And who doesn’t love some flair when it comes to sexy times?

Once you are fluid bonded with someone or multiple someones, in theory, that is a closed system. If you are in an open relationship agreement, any interactions that you would have with someone that you are not fluid bonded with would be with safer sex practices. If you want to add more people to your fluid bonded circle, they would have to be tested before safer sex techniques are discontinued.

There is a lot of mutual trust that is required in order to be fluid bonded with others. You need to be able to trust that the person or persons you are bonded with will not break that trust. A trust bond is only as strong as the people in it. If one person  engages in risky behavior and unprotected activity outside the fluid bond, the whole circle is compromised.

Like you said, you have run into multiple versions of exactly what fluid bonded means and what it looks like. While I am sure that you might find someone that disagrees with my parameters, I am giving you what I believe to be the most commonly accepted definition of the term.


Keep it Kinky My Friends,

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