Kink: Seeking Sadists, Red Flags, and Painfree Dominance

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Dirty Talk Advice ColumnThe kink lifestyle comes in many different flavors and there is something out there for everyone. When we first start out on our personal journey, it can be easy to think that kink is some one size fits all formula and everyone always seems to know just what to do. While it may seem that the people you encounter already seem versed in all of the rules and what they want, nothing could be further from the truth. We all have to put in the time and effort to find the right fit for what we crave.

There are many rooms in the house of kink. If one isn’t working for you, all you have to do is walk into a different one. Today I field some questions from readers that typically come up while fine tunning your individual kinky needs. We are looking how to identify potential red flags and finding the right partner for your particular needs. It is a totally doable quest if you are willing to put in the time and effort.

Kink Newbie Seeking Sadists Not Sex

“I am a masochist that is just entering the lifestyle. I want to be hit and feel a lot of pain, but I don’t want to have sex. How do I find a partner that is okay with that? Will they be okay with not fucking me?”–Craves Pain, Not Penetration

Kink not sexI always love being the bearer of good news! You are in luck. In this day and age, having penetrative sex is a higher risk option than abstaining. But we still crave sensation. So what are we to do? Enter the lifestyle. One of the draws of the kink lifestyle is that it allows people to explore sensations that don’t have to be based solely on sex. In fact, a fair amount of kinksters are not looking to combine their BDSM with sex. Sex and BDSM are different flavors that can go well together but are also fully enjoyable independently.

The joy of the lifestyle is that there is a wealth of options one can engage in, from humiliation, to service, to pet play, to bondage, to sensation play. None of these situations require sex to be thrown in.

As a masochist seeking play, your search will be a lot easier since you won’t also be dealing with sexual complications. The lifestyle is full of sadists that are not seeking sex and would be happy to dish out the pain you desire. I’m positive that your perfect fit is out there.

Go online and look for the closest dungeon to your location. Find your local munches and attend a class or three on kink subjects that interest you. Many dungeons and munches have times specifically designed for newbies that are just starting out. Get to know your local community and the people in it. There are also dating apps like KinkD for people looking for play. Your sadist (or sadists) are out there! With a little effort, you will find the right fix for your masochistic needs.

How Can I Tell If A Potential Play Partner Is A Good Fit?

“As a switch, you obviously have experience on both sides of the coin. What are some red flags to be aware of? What are some of the things you look for in play partners? How do you know if the other person might be a good fit?”–Signs To Look For

Excellent question and I am glad you asked. As someone who had to find out the hard way and learned her red flag knowledge through painful mistakes, I am all about helping others avoid the same situations. Obviously, we learn by our mistakes. We have to get burned to know how to avoid the fire, but there are ways to minimize the scorch marks.

 When we are first starting out, it can be easy to fall into newbie frenzy and want to try ALL the things immediately like a kid in a candy store with a freshly paid allowance. This is where the mistakes can happen. If someone is a good fit for you, they are still going to be a good fit two weeks from now, a month from now, or six months from now. Rushing into something immediately without doing any research is how we end up with burn marks.

The biggest piece of advice I can give is to listen to your gut and not rush into things. I am a huge believer in one’s “gut” feeling. When something isn’t “right” we know it, but we often choose to ignore it because we crave the immediate gratification. Or, due to the sunk cost fallacy, we become reluctant to walk away from things that we have invested time and energy in despite the fact that we can tell it isn’t right for us.

After a situation goes wrong and we replay it over in our heads, all the red flags we chose to ignore are right there, as plain as day. We just decided not to address them at the moment, for whatever reason that may be.

For me, someone feels “off” if: they try to rush me into play, are unwilling to meet in a public location first or insist on a private location meeting, claim that they don’t do scene negotiation or feel it’s unnecessary because they will be able to read me and my needs or disregard any concerns I might have. Another huge red flag is if they are unable to provide contact info for previous play partners. Anyone worth playing with should be on good enough terms with previous play partners to provide references. If the vibe isn’t gelling for you, walk away! 

The signs I look for that someone would be a good fit for me are: patient people that listen to me and make me feel heard, people I feel comfortable and relaxed around, and people that are committed to effective communication. In fact, I would say that these are desirable character traits for ANYONE that you interact with, not just potential play partners. 

The more you experiment, the easier it will become to trust your gut instincts and avoid the people that are not healthy for you. It is a richly rewarding journey that I can not recommend highly enough. My own regret is the fun I missed out on because I didn’t get started sooner. Oh well, better late than never!

Is There Room In The Kink Lifestyle For A Dom That Doesn’t Like To Cause Pain?

“I am typically very gentle and don’t particularly enjoy causing much pain. I also really enjoy reading people. Your description of how it is a Dom’s “job” to “read” their sub really resonates with me and is something that I want to explore further. Is there a place for me in the lifestyle? Or is all BDSM very “heavy”?–Bruises Not Wanted

Kink no PainThe cartoon version of kink that comes to most peoples minds is one filled with screams and pain. That isn’t actually what kink is really about. It is a misconception to think all BDSM is whips and chains and bruises. BDSM comes in a wide variety, and it isn’t all heavy beatings. 

Kinky play can actually be quite subtle and mentally based. Obviously, you would not be the right fit if someone is a heavy masochist seeking a thorough working over. Not everyone is a painslut in search of welts. Dominating someone can also be molding them, improving them and helping them grow as a person. 

In your case, maybe your domination looks more like having someone submit to you by giving you backrubs, cleaning the house, kneeling beside you as opposed to using furniture, orgasm training, and completing assigned tasks. Dominance can be whatever you want it to be. The right fit for you IS out there. The more clear and direct you are with your needs, the higher the chance of getting them met.

If you put in the time and work, you will eventually find the right person for you. Somewhere out there is a submissive non-masochist that is craving what you can offer them. Good luck and happy hunting!


Keep it Kinky My Friends,

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John Cook
John Cook

Great article again. Thought provoking yet lucid and learned.

John Emert
John Emert

Good advice about a partner being a good fit.