Virginity: Pain Free First Time, Anxiety, And Waiting For Marriage

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Dirty Talk Advice ColumnCashing in your V-card. The first time. There are few things that we are so strongly drawn to that also carry such stress and worry as loosing our virginity. Most of us desire the shedding of our clothes and the pressing of our naked bodies against another human. Unfortunately, the baggage of risk, fear, and anxiety overshadows and colors our first time. Which is a pity.

So how does one enter into this awesome activity of adulthood with as little stress and anxiety as possible? I am going to be honest, no matter what gender you may happen to be, the first time (or first few times) are probably not going to be particularly smooth. Hopefully with some of the tips provided today, you can get through those first few times with a minimum of worry, embarrassment, and pain. 

How Can I Make Sure That Losing My Virginity Isn’t Painful?

“After dating my boyfriend for 5 months, I feel ready to lose my virginity to him. I just don’t want it to hurt. How do I make sure that my first time is enjoyable and not painful?”–No Pain Please

Virgo VirginityBefore I begin, I am assuming that you are of consensual age for your location. If not, I suggest you check out sites like Sex,etc. or Stay Teen. These sites have extremely valuable sex education information written for teens by teens.

The first thing I want you to do is go to Planned Parenthood to learn about and decide on what birth control and STI prevention methods you are going to use. Next, I want you to be totally sure that this is really something that you want to do and are ready for. The more certain and positive you are about the situation, the better it will go.

There is a pervasive myth that as a woman losing your virginity is an unpleasant journey of blood and pain. Such a myth has little bearing in reality and does not have to be your experience.The truth is that losing your virginity doesn’t have to hurt.

Most women either have a mild enough hymen or corona that they can’t even tell it is there. In most cases it has already been stretched or torn from sports, tampons, or some sort other activity long before they attempted their first sexual experience. Also, a majority of women will never experience bleeding. One informal poll found that 63% of women didn’t bleed during their first intercourse.

There are a number of ways in which you can increase the probability that your first time goes as smoothly as possible and I will take them from the top.

Once you are fully committed to the experience and confident about your choice of partner, be sure that you two have a comfortable location where you can relax fully. It should be private, at a pleasant temperature, and have a place to lie down and stretch out.

After you have secured the right location and right partner, carve out enough time so as the two of you are not rushed. Losing your virginity is definitely not something you want to do while eying the clock. The less tense and more turned on you are, the increasingly enjoyable the entire experience is going to be for the both of you.

Without the pressure of time, relax and explore each other’s flesh. Go slow! Start off by using your hands and mouths to build arousal. You don’t have to jump right into penile penetration. Consider having your partner use a vibrator, fingers, or small toy on you first.

Lube is your friend! While your body should create it’s own lubrication as you become aroused, a little lube helps everything flow easier. Have a bottle handy and not of the cheap stuff. You will want a high quality, no alcohol, no sugar style of lube. (I recommend Slippery Stuff or Sutil)

You and your partner should communicate with each other about what feels good and are enjoying. Let them know how you want things to proceed and when you’re ready for intercourse. Remember that you can always change your mind during this encounter and not engage in coitus at all if you don’t feel like it. Any partner worth being with will be understanding if you decide to not continue with the encounter and won’t pressure you into doing something you’re not comfortable with.

As long as you are communicating and comfortable, your first time should be a pleasant experience that you can look back on fondly as opposed to regret. And don’t worry, it does get easier and less awkward the more you do it. Before you know it, you will be a practiced hand. Good luck and have fun!

Help, I’m Nervous Anxious About Messing Up My First Time.

“What was it like on your first date and were you nervous? I need some advice. There is this girl that I really like and I’ve never had sex before. I’m afraid that I’m going to mess up somehow. Can you please help me and give me some tips?”–First Time Jitters

Virginity Bike RideWhat was my first date like? It sucked. I was a bundle of nerves and anxiousness and hormones, a sweaty ball of uncomfortable. Which, I will bet, is how most first dates go. Rare indeed is the first date that goes smoothly and effortlessly with no awkwardness on anybody’s part. Frankly I think such dates are the stuff of Hollywood myth.

The mental stress and anxiety that you are building up in your head is not doing you any favors. The best advice that I can possibly give you is to just relax. As simple and complex as that may be. Just…relax. When you feel yourself tensing up and stressing and ramping yourself into an anxious knot of worry, cut it off at the pass. Don’t give into the worry and stress. Acknowledge it, accept it and then let it go. Repeat as needed.

If you really like this girl and feel like things are heading in a sexual direction, be honest with her. Let her know that it is your first time. Virginity is nothing to be ashamed of. I’m sure that she will be understanding. It might be her first time too and be just as nervous. Any partner worth being with won’t shame you for your sexual history or lack there of.

I can practically assure you that your first time, heck your first few times, is going to be awkward fumbling. And that is perfectly okay. It takes a while to get to know what you and your partner like. We all had to wade through the awkward to get to the good.   

Fucking is like learning to ride a bike. The more you do it the easier it gets. When you first tried to ride a bike, did you get on and glide about effortlessly? Of course not. You fell down a bunch and couldn’t maintain your balance for more then a few feet. 

Try not to take yourself or the situation too seriously. Remember that sex is supposed to be fun and there is no reason to put so much pressure on yourself. Just appreciate the intimate moment that you get to share with another human being.

So relax and have fun. Keep on practicing with accepting partners that are not going to shame you for not fucking like a porn star right out of the gate. Trust me, such partners do exist. Eventually you will be riding that bike with ease (Or at the very least, falling down less). I promise.

What Do You Think About People That Save Their Virginity For Marriage?

“I am curious what your thoughts are (as an adult performer) on people like me who prefer to wait till marriage for sex? I’m not saying I’ve never had sex before, things have happened in the past, I’m just now trying to save myself for my future wife.”–Waiting For The Ring

Save VirginityThis is an excellent question and I am glad you asked it. As an adult performer, I strongly believe that every single person out there has the right to do what they will with their sexuality. Keeping your virginity until you are married is a perfectly valid decision. 

In your case, it sounds like you have had some prior experience and then decided later down the road that you wanted to shelf your sexuality until you have entered the bonds of matrimony. If this is what feels right to you than I whole heartedly support it. However, it doesn’t really matter what I, or anyone else, think about what you choose to do with your body. It’s unfortunate that there are so many people out there in the world that are so hung up on other people’s sexual choices and how they decide to live their lives. These decisions are personal and private and nobody else’s business but your own.

The pros of saving yourself is that you will be at zero risk (as long as you don’t waver in the heat of the moment) of STIs or unexpected pregnancies. The only con that I can think of is that not everyone is matched sexually. The upside of interacting with your partner sexually before marriage is that it allows you to find out if you two are compatible. Sometimes two people can mesh together perfectly mentally, intellectually, and emotionally, but just not be on the same page sexually.

The workaround for this is honesty. Complete and utter honesty. Even if you and your fiancé have decided to wait until after you are married, that doesn’t mean that you should not be having frank talks about your respective sexual needs. Sex is the second leading cause of fights in relationships, money being the first. In order to have a prosperous relationship, you need to have your sexual house in order.

How high is your sex drive? How often do you want to be interacting sexually? Do you have any fetishes or sexual needs that you feel are an important part of your sexuality and do not want to be without? What do you view as your desired length of time for sexual activity to take? All of these things should be discussed calmly and without shame before marriage. 

It may be uncomfortable, but you need to communicate about these things. Don’t just cross your fingers and hope everything works out. After the wedding is a bad time to find out that your now wife doesn’t like to go longer than 20 minutes when you prefer to go for an hour. When two people are not matched up sexually, it can easily lead to resentment. And resentment is the dry rot that takes out the foundation of your relationship. Honest clear communication is what helps to prevent relationship dry rot.


Keep it Kinky My Friends,

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John Smith

I wanna do it before marriage that was not pain full for me or my wife , why?