Orgasms are often held up as the end all and be all of sex. It seems like everyone out there is constantly searching for more, better, and bigger orgasms. As if sexual time spent doesn’t “count” if there isn’t the payoff of an orgasm at the end. Don’t get me wrong, orgasms are delightful dopamine dumps. Some of the best medicine in the world. However, they are also tricky little beasts. The harder you chase them, the more elusive they can become to achieve. Before you know it, that much desired orgasm has slipped through your fingers and vanished like mist.
Today’s Dirty Talk Advice Column is a collection of questions all about the big O. How to get orgasms, how to get more orgasms, how to get bigger orgasms, and the different varieties that they come in. The more you know, the easier they are to have. Let’s dive in, shall we?
Is It Possible To Have Bigger Orgasms, Such As Full Body?
“Is there really such a thing as a “full body orgasms”? Or is that just a myth?”–Too Good To Be True?
I have certainly had them, so I do not consider them to be a myth. I consider the delightful multitude of ways in which I can orgasm to be part of my female privilege.
In general, there are two types of orgasms that men get to explore. Their orgasms tend to be very genital based, with some men also able to have prostate based orgasms. I do know some men that explore tantric sexuality have told me they are able to achieve full body orgasms, but it is a rarer thing.
It can be significantly different for women. I have had orgasms from having my toes sucked on, from fisting someone, from strap-on fucking someone, from having my strap-on sucked, from having my calves caned, and even just from watching other people fuck. The mind is the most powerful sexual organ you have, and the more you are able to relax, the more that you can explore sexually.
The key to experiencing these bigger orgasms is being able to relax. It is that simple, and indeed that hard. If you can’t relax, you can’t stop getting in your own way. Give yourself permission to utterly relax and explore and you might be surprised at the orgasmic outcomes you end up having.
I’ve Only Had One Orgasm, How Can I Achieve More?
“I have only had one orgasm in my life. I remember it. It was amazing. Ever since, I have been unable to have another one–and I have been trying for YEARS. Masturbation is actually really enjoyable for me, and I do it as a relaxation and self soothing technique, but I never actually manage to climax. What am I doing wrong??”–Only The Once
The good news is that you know that you actually can achieve orgasm. The mystery is why your brain is not letting you get there. I am theorizing that you were able to achieve it once because you were not expecting it. Once that unexpected orgasm hit you for the first time, for whatever reason, your brain put brakes on any future climaxes.
The fact that you find masturbation soothing and you do it frequently as a way to relax is a step in the right direction. You are not adverse to pleasure, you just are having trouble crossing the finish line. I suspect the longer that it took you to achieve that second orgasm the stronger your mental block became and now those walls are stacked pretty high.
Your mind is an incredibly powerful thing and for whatever reason, it is not allowing you to cross that finish line. You are not able to relax to the point of climax. There is so much mental pressure that has been built up around the concept of orgasms that you are getting in the way of your own self. Until you learn to relax and let go, you are not going to be able to achieve another orgasm.
If this blockade continues, and orgasms are definitely something that you want to have, I would suggest seeking out a sexual therapist. Your mind has put a blockade between you and climaxing. If you are not able to unravel the reason why, a professional may be able to help you with that journey. Best of luck and keep working on the relaxing aspect.
How Can I Have Multiple Orgasms?
“Everyone keeps talking about multiple orgasms, but no matter how hard I try, I can not get past one. It is one and done every time. What am I doing wrong?””–Multiples Please!
After someone orgasms, they enter something called the refractory period. Refractory periods tend to be longer for men as opposed to women, but everybody’s refractory period varies. For some women their refractory period can be as little as a few seconds, for other women it can be 24 hours or longer. It sounds like you fall into the longer refractory period camp. To be perfectly honest, there is not much that you can do to change your refractory period. For more information, see my article Multiple Orgasms? Yes Please.
As someone who has a refractory period of seconds, I remember being completely surprised when I was interviewing Nina Hartley for my podcast and she told me that she is a one-and-done person when it comes to orgasms. Once she has had an orgasm, there are no more in the queue until her refractory period is over. In her case, it takes at least a day if not longer until she can have another one.
I feel confident in saying there are few women on this planet who know their body as well as Nina Hartley does. If she is a one orgasm a day type of lady, that’s what she is. It appears as if you are also in this category. As opposed to feeling discouraged that you cannot achieve multiples, I would suggest reframing your narrative. At least you actually can achieve orgasm! There are plenty of women that have not even gotten to that point.
By knowing that you are a one and done type of person, you can safeguard your orgasm and reach it when you are ready for it. Don’t be hard on yourself for being the type of person that can’t have multiple orgasms in a single session. This is simply not how your body is wired. All of our bodies are wired differently. Part of the fun is getting to know your body and figuring out how it works. And hey, orgasms are not the end-all and be-all of the sexual encounter. They are simply a fun sauce on the meal. The meal is still delicious. I advise appreciating the meal and focusing less on the sauce. The more you learn to relax, the more you get to know your body, the more, better, and bigger orgasms you will have.