Anal Sex: Orgasms, Coercion, and Embarrassment

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Dirty Talk Advice ColumnAnal sex is one of those activities that can be both compelling and complex. It seems so effortless when you see photos and video of others doing it. But it can also go spectacularly sideways when attempted. One bad experience with backdoor play can put one off of it for life, and that is a pity. When approached with the right understanding and technique, anal can be a very appealing activity indeed.

Questions about anal play are some of the most common questions that I receive and understandably so. Unlike many other activities, anal takes some knowledge and skill in order to properly pull off. Fear not! With just a little practice and communication, backdoor fun can be added to your personal sexual toolbox with confidence. Let’s tackle another batch of butt questions. Here at Dirty Talk we are all about the anal and the awesome fun it can be.

Do Women Really Orgasm From Anal Sex?

“Can a woman really orgasm from anal? Or is that not possible and they are just faking it out of a sense of obligation?”–Actual Anal Orgasms

Through the Back Door PosterShort answer?


This is a question I have been asked multiple times before. Particularly by men. This seems to be something that men wonder about a lot. As far as I can tell, it stems from the mentality that women don’t really enjoy sex. It is just something they put up with to please their partner. Doubly so when it comes to anal sex. According to this mentality, women are just grimly lying there and biting the pillow waiting for the unpleasantness to be over all for the sake of keeping a man in their lives.

Men of the Internet, let me set your mind at ease: Women do enjoy sex. Some women do enjoy anal. And women can indeed cum from anal sex. There is no worldwide conspiracy of silence that every woman has agreed to while they fake anal orgasms under some sense of obligation to their partners.

This is not to say that all women enjoy anal sex or that even the ones that do can cum from it. Everyone’s sexuality is different. The things that turn people on and get them off can vary widely.

In fact, speaking as a woman, there is a wide variety of things that make me orgasm. Unlike men, who seem to have most of their orgasms fairly genital based, under the right conditions a vast array of stimulation can make a woman orgasm.

I have orgasmed from having my toes sucked on, having my ass eaten, getting my calves caned, fisting someone, watching others fuck, strap-on fucking someone, receiving oral on my strap-on, and yes, having my ass fucked. While it has not happened to me personally, a number of my friends have told me that they have orgasmed while sucking dick.

What does all this tell you? That women’s sexuality is wide-ranging and does not fit neatly into one little genital focused box. I consider it one of the perks of being a woman. I can achieve multiple orgasms in a multiple of different ways.

All of those women that you see out there appearing to enjoy anal? Most of them are probably having the time of their lives. Some of them may be enduring it for the sake of pleasing their partner, but I can assure you that the vast majority of them are not throwing themselves on the anal grenade just to keep a man around. Hope this sets your mind at ease!

How Do I Convince My Partner To Try Anal Sex?

“What do you do if you have a partner that does not have any interest in anal? How do I convince her to try it?”–Backdoor Resistance

Pushing for Anal SexYou don’t. You respect people’s sexual boundaries. Always and at all times. If someone does not have an interest in something, you do not try and force the issue.

Sure, you can suggest new things for the two of you to try in the bedroom. One should always be open-minded about trying new things. A stale and unvaried routine can often spell destruction for a relationship. However, coercion can destroy a relationship faster than a stagnant sex life.

One needs to be accepting of the fact that their partner is not obligated to try every single thing that is suggested. Oh sure, you could probably managed to convince your partner to try anal if you work hard enough at wearing her down. You would then enjoy the short-term reward of getting what you want but be completely oblivious to the long-term damage you caused. Someone that is grimly going through with something they had no interest in doing is not a happy person. A coerced partner is a resentful partner and resentment is the dry rot that destroys the foundation of a relationship.

Your partner’s responsibility is to listen to the things that you suggest and not sexually shame you. This does not make them morally obligated to do every activity that you desire. Just as you are not compelled to try everything that they may suggest.

How important is anal to you? Is it a deal breaker? Can you not see yourself happy in a relationship unless anal sex is part of it? Only you can answer those questions.

If anal is so important to you that you cannot see yourself happy without it and your current partner has no interest in anal, then you need to rethink your relationship. If your current relationship is important enough to you that you are willing to forgo anal sex, then accept her non interest in backdoor play and focus on all of the other fun activities that are still left on the table.

Help! I’m Embarrassed By My Hemorrhoids

“ I am recently divorced and reentering the dating scene. I have a very embarrassing issue that is causing me a lot of anxiety and preventing me from having sex with someone that I am REALLY into. I have both internal and external hemorrhoids as well as skin tags around my anus and I have to be hyper-vigilant with cleaning because they can make things smell a little…”funky”. This new person that I have been seeing wants to do anal play and I am terrified to let him get near there. I’m so embarrassed that he might be grossed out. What should I do?”–Please Don’t Look

Skin Tag EmbarrassmentThe first thing that I recommend is to relax and get a sense of humor about bodies. And yes, I know that is much easier said than done. All around us we are fed a constant media diet of flawless perfect bodies that don’t seem to have anything wrong with them. However that isn’t reality.

Bodies are imperfect, messy, glorious things. They are not flawless. They are walking sacks of meat with all of the failings that go along with it. Society has convinced us that we always have to maintain a false mystique about our bodies. That we need to be embarrassed by the natural functions that everyone has. Far to many people have developed a psychosis that if their partner were to ever see them as less than impeccable, they would be so repulsed as to never want to be intimate with them again

The second thing I recommend is honesty. I know that there is often a sense of delicacy with new relationships, especially when on the rebound after a failed one. But there is no better time to develop good communication habits than at the very beginning. How close do you feel to this potential partner? Can you tell him your worries in this area? And if you cannot, is this truly someone that you want to invest time with?  I believe in being perfectly honest and upfront with my partners. If they are expecting a flawless Barbie doll with perfect makeup that never sweats, then I am obviously not the right fit for them.

Hemorrhoids happen. Heck, I have them. They are incredibly common. But they do not have to mean that you no longer get to enjoy anal play. I consider them nature’s stop signs. When one is flaring, I take anal sex off the table. Anal is already a higher risk activity, and there is no need to add the possibility of blood contact to that situation. Any tear with blood exposure increases the chances of STI and other blood borne pathogen transmission. It just is not worth the risk. The tears and abrasions that can occasionally happen from anal play put it into the “be careful” category, and hemorrhoids move it into the “avoid it” category.

It sounds like in addition to hemorrhoids, you also have some skin tags around your perineal region. Like hemorrhoids, skin tags are also very common. If yours are so numerous and pronounced as to cause you embarrassment, consult your doctor! Skin tags are fairly easily removed. The brief discomfort of removal will probably be worth it in the long run if it causes you less embarrassment in the bedroom.

Your options are to either 1) keep him away from your backside without ever telling him why, 2) get the tags removed without telling and once they are healed carefully explore anal play, or 3) be completely honest with him about your reservations and concerns and see how he hangs. I vote for option 3. He’s probably a lot more accepting then you are giving him credit for. Best of luck no matter what path you choose!

Keep it Kinky My Friends,

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