Your mind is by far the most powerful part of you and it is what calls the shots. This can be both a blessing and a curse. When your mind is on your side, there is little that you can not do. When it starts acting up, it can affect every aspect of your life.
Our culture and society seems to push the concept that we should be down for the sexy times on command. Particularly if you are male. Heaven forbid that life gets in the way. There are any number of reasons why one’s desires can ebb and flow: your head is not in the game, you have recently had children, or have a lot on your plate. Today we are going to tackle the topic of headspace — how to get into it, what to do to get back into it if you lost it, and being okay with having downtime.
Why Is It So Hard For Me To Get In A Sexy Headspace And Never Feel Fulfilled?
“It is hard for me to enjoy the sexy time. For some reason I am just somewhere else and don’t get any type of fulfillment. Is there something wrong with me? How do I fix it?”—Can’t Get Into It
There are a number of reasons why one cannot get into the sexy times, but only you can answer which reason (or reasons) apply to you personally. Is your inability to relax and get into sexual times a recent phenomenon or has it always been the case? If it has always been the case, then the odds are high that you are Asexual or gray-A. If you used to be able to enjoy your sexual encounters but have now lost the ability, then you need to determine the factors as to why.
Are you stressed at work? Having health issues? Family trouble? Conflict with loved ones? Worried about financial issues? On a new medication? Going through depression? Any of those things can make it so that you are unable to relax and get into a sexual headspace. Once you have identified the issue or issues that are holding your sexual joy hostage, you can start to work on them. Although in many cases, that is easier said than done. The weight of life can easily crush sexual desires.
There is nothing wrong with you and you need to give yourself the space and time to get back into a sexual headspace at a pace that works best for you. Rushing it or putting pressure on yourself will only make things worse. Take the time you need and go easy on yourself. There is no mandate for you to be a sexual person if you don’t want to be. If there are still times and things that DO make you feel sexy, identify the triggers and work on expanding them. Eventually, if all goes well, you will find yourself back where you want to be. If, despite trying all of this, you still can’t regain your mojo, don’t be afraid to seek counseling.
How Do We Get Our Sex Life Back After Having Children?
“We had our first child six months ago, and our whole relationship has changed. Neither of us are getting enough sleep, we are both overworked and frankly I am having trouble finding the energy to even think about being sexual. What do I do to get things back on track?”—New Baby Blues
The most important thing to do is to be easy on yourself. Babies will get older, they do it relentlessly every single day. One of the reasons you are experiencing a decreased sex drive has a biological component. Many new parents find themselves in a constant fight-or-flight state compounded with sleep deprivation. Both of these factors have been linked to increased levels of the hormone Cortisol. Cortisol has been found to impact sexual arousal in women and decrease testosterone levels in men. Thankfully, this super overwhelming part of new parenting is guaranteed to pass. Once you are not living in this hyper stressful state you will hopefully find it easier to get into a sexual headspace. Be forgiving of yourself, and your partner for the time it takes to get to a more relaxed state.
It is also important to remember that relationships are commitments and they require an investment of time. There is nothing as distracting as a new baby to cause you to put your preexisting relationship with your partner on the back burner. After all, they don’t need you nearly as much as a helpless infant. But neglected relationships can cool down and go stale. Make a conscious choice to reinvest in your cooled down relationship. Even if you aren’t having sex with your partner it is vital for you and your partner to make time for each other to maintain your relationship bonds.
When you and your partner feel that you are in a better headspace to start renewing your sexual relationship you will no doubt find that you no longer have the spontaneity that existed pre-child. Your amorous time together will probably require a bit more planning.
Save up some money, get a babysitter and rent a hotel room. Take yourself out of the daily unexciting grind that is your house and kid and give yourself the space to rediscover each other as sexual beings. Build in some hotel time to take a nice long baby free nap. Once you are rested and refreshed, have dinner at a nice restaurant and then go romance the hell out of your partner. When you are well rested, and don’t have to worry about doing dirty dishes, the sexy time should flow naturally. As mammals,we are hardwired to crave novelty. Even rats like lingerie. A sexy outfit and change of environment is really helpful in creating a mood. Enjoy every precious baby free moment together while you reconnect. And know that babies will be grown up before you know it.
How do I Get My Mojo Back After Leaving A Bad Relationship?
“I have recently gotten out of a 12 year long relationship and feel so rusty about my dating game. Not to mention that I really feel like I have lost my mojo, as my last relationship crushed my sexual self esteem. What can I do to get back into a proper headspace?”—Rusty And Worried
Fear is the mind killer. Or in your case, the mojo killer. If your mind has gotten trapped in a snare of self doubt and anxiety, it can be a fairly vicious cycle to break free of. Never fear however— it is possible. If you are willing to roll up your sleeves and put in the work.
Long term relationships are a very comfortable place to be in, and the years can march by surprisingly quickly. Once the warming blanket of a long term relationship is pulled away, the outside world can seem like quite a cold place indeed. The truth is that dating and finding a new partner is almost guaranteed to include rejection. That is just how finding someone that you are compatible with works. But for some people, the idea of being rejected is so terrifying that they would rather not put themselves out there at all.
Your perfect partner is not just going to knock on your front door and be available to instantly be a part of your life. You have to meet them halfway. This involves leaving your house and going on dates. Most of which are not going to be successful at all. 99% of dates are failures. And that is perfectly okay. It is that matching 1% that we have to hold out hope for.
Once you have waded through the dating game and actually found someone that you feel compatible with, you can address the issue of your low sexual self esteem. Low sexual self esteem is a completely self created situation and it is also a very painful one. Additionally, it also creates a negative feedback loop. I have seen cases bad enough to cause actual physical pain. All because of one’s mind going off the rails.
The first step to solving this problem is to realize that it is all mental and to not beat yourself up about it. You need to break yourself of the the stress and self-defeating cycle. You then must commit to overcoming the this stress induced sexual dysfunction. This article provides a great overview of the situation you currently find yourself in and some concrete steps to resolve it, both mentally and physically.
Be upfront with your potential partner about the issues you are dealing with. Any partner worth your time, that is truly invested in you as a person, is going to be available to walk with you through your journey to a better headspace. If someone is going to shame you or feel slighted because you don’t immediately approach them rock hard and ready to go at a moments notice, then they are honestly not worth your time. Our time is the most valuable commodity that we have. Only invest it in people that are worth it.