When we first get here, when we first arrive on this planet, we have no guilt or body shame. All of that comes later. Everything about us is acceptable and adorable and there is no shame in our naked bodies. We have to be trained into body shame, into the idea of “naughty zones” and “special” places, the “no touch” zone that must be kept covered and shielded from public gaze. We have to be housebroken and toilet trained, instilled with such deep fear and anxiety about bodily functions that the need to pee can wake us up out of a sound sleep. We have to be loaded up with all of the fear and anxiety and shame that civilization say that we need to function as “polite” society.
And yes, if we didn’t housebreak and shame children they would be running around rubbing their crotches and pooping in the hallway. Obviously there is a need to not have that happen. If only because random hallway pooping is hard on the carpet and reckless crotch rubbing leaves fluids everywhere. But the guilt and fear and shame around bodily functions lingers for the rest of that child’s life.
We are trained to be ashamed of our naked bodies, to feel self conscious of all the adult flaws that come out of that perfect child’s body. It becomes taboo to touch and be touched, the ease and comfort of a snuggling child turns into the personal space bubble of adulthood. But deep inside we still crave the freedom of youth before we were molded into shame. The ability to touch and be touched by others with no baggage is something we never stop wanting.
When we grow up, this desire for touch and intimacy can be met by sex, as sex is one of the most intimate things you can share with another human being, but all too often our baggage and shame and fear gets in the way of that. Sex is like a bodily function that needs to be kept away from polite society, something done behind closed doors and not talked about. The NEED for sex, like the need to relieve oneself, is a lower animal urge that we should do but never discuss.
Because sex is scary and terrifying and completely undignified. Have you *seen* yourself? You look bloody ridiculous. Red faced and sweaty and straining with a look on your face like you are sucking on a lemon. There is no dignity to be had in sex. And that is kind of the point. There is nothing erotic that isn’t, with the wrong person, completely revolting. But with the right person, at the right time, completely revealing your naked body with all of its flaws and imperfections and various fluids and smells leaking all over the place and mashing that body firmly against another human’s skin only feels like utter acceptance.
Sex is incredible because of the closeness it allows and the freedom it offers. Day to day life requires us to constantly be suppressing our urges and desires, to always be wearing a mask of civilization and self restraint, to stifle our lusts and darker urges. The bliss of sex is to be allowed to drop that mask and reveal our true natures to our partners, undignified animal urges and all, without fear of judgement.
The bond of togetherness grows deeper the more honest and truthful we can be with our partners…but it can also be terrifying to be that vulnerable to another human being. We struggle against the desire for closeness and acceptance and the fear of rejection and dismissal. To ask for sex is to ask another person to be naked and exposed to you, and to be rejected on such a request stings you to your very core.
It isn’t easy. I am not saying it is. The quest for acceptance and an end to loneliness is one of the hardest tasks you will ever undertake. But when you find that other person, that person that sets you at ease and accepts you and your flawed mind and body, it is fucking magic. That person that you can relax around and drop the socially approved mask? That person is a treasure. Hold onto them tight. Someone like that doesn’t come along every day.