Hello there boys and girls! Today we are going to talk about the bible. You have heard of the bible, haven’t you? In specific we are going to talk about Genesis 18 and 19. It is a lovely story full of gang rape and incest and successfully bargaining with an infallible God. I am going to translate it to more modern turns of phrase so that we can all understand it, but feel free to get out your bible and follow along!
Let’s get started, shall we?
So God says to Abraham, “Hey I have heard really bad things about Sodom and I am going to go check it out and if it is bad as everyone says it is I am totally going to destroy it.”
And Abraham says “I hear where you are coming from God, but check this out as a concept…what if there happens to be 50 good and righteous men in Sodom? Would you destroy the good along with the bad? Would you really destroy all of Sodom, including the 50 righteous man? That seems kinda messed up”
And God replies “If I find there are 50 good men, I will spare the city.”
“Ok, that is amazing, and thank you God, but hear me out, I don’t mean to nag, but what if it was 45? Would you destroy the city over 45?”
“Fine, fine, if I find 45 good men I will spare the city.”
“Thank you God, and please don’t be pissed, because you really are the best, but how about 40?”
“40. Ok, I can do 40.” says God.
“Can I counter with 30?” Abraham replies.
“30? I can give you 30.”
“Can we go for 20?” Abraham asks.
“…Yes” says God.
“Ok, I swear that this is the last time that I can going to ask, but can we try 10?”
“Ten! Ok, ten. I will give you ten.” God replies.
Thus we learn that God can be easily out negotiated and that Abraham is the sort of man that you would want on your side when you are buying a new car.
So God sends two angels down to Sodom to have them check out the town. When the angels run into Lot, Lot invites them to his house to spend the night. “Naw, we are ok,” they say. “We are just going to crash in the town square.”
“That is a seriously horrible idea,” Lot says. “I really have to insist that you spend the night at my house and not in the town square.”
“Fine” the angels reply. “We will stay with if you insist so strongly.”
Thus we learn that Lot can also negotiate something fierce. Once Lot gets the two guys settled in his place and fed the ENTIRE male population of the whole town turns up at Lot’s house and says “Hey, bring out those two guys you have in there. We want to fuck them.”
“That is a horrible thing to suggest” Lot says to the horny rapey crowd. “Please don’t do that. I have two virgin daughters. How about you gang rape them instead?”
“No way!” the crowd shouts. “We don’t want pussy. Pussy is bullshit! We want that strange ass! Hand it over.”
This is when God and the angels realize that there are no redeeming qualities to the city of Sodom. “Get the heck outta here,” the angels say. “We taking this place down. We are leveling this stranger raping city of perverts. Leave before you also get destroyed.”
Thus Lot, the one good man in the entire city, fled and ran around a bit on the plains with his daughters before settling into a cave up in the mountains. His wife didn’t make it as she was unable to negotiate with God as well as her husband. After a while his two virgin daughters noticed that they were living in in a cave with only their father around and that there was a distinct lack of baby daddy material to be had.
So his his one daughter says to the other “Hey you know our dad who wanted to give our hymens to an entire city? We really need to preserve the family line. Let’s get him drunk and fuck him so that we can get pregnant.”
They then totally did just that and both got pregnant. Which must of made future family reunions kinda awkward. And also raises the the question, if the guy willing to offer up his virgin daughters to be gang raped by an entire town to protect the asses of two dudes he just met a few hours earlier is the one decent man in the entire city, what were the rest of the people in the city like? They probably did really bad things to kittens.
Ok boys and girls, that is our bible lesson for the day. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! Incest, gang rape and out haggling God for the win, am I right?