God, drunken baby daddies and gang rape

Hello there boys and girls! Today we are going to talk about the bible. You have heard of the bible, haven’t you? In specific we are going to talk about Genesis 18 and 19. It is a lovely story full of gang rape and incest and successfully bargaining with an infallible God. I am going to translate it to more modern turns of phrase so that we can all understand it, but feel free to get out your bible and follow along!

Let’s get started, shall we?

So God says to Abraham, “Hey I have heard really bad things about Sodom and I am going to go check it out and if it is bad as everyone says it is I am totally going to destroy it.”

And Abraham says “I hear where you are coming from God, but check this out as a concept…what if there happens to be 50 good and righteous men in Sodom? Would you destroy the good along with the bad? Would you really destroy all of Sodom, including the 50 righteous man? That seems kinda messed up”

And God replies “If I find there are 50 good men, I will spare the city.”

“Ok, that is amazing, and thank you God, but hear me out, I don’t mean to nag, but what if it was 45? Would you destroy the city over 45?”

“Fine, fine, if I find 45 good men I will spare the city.”

“Thank you God, and please don’t be pissed, because you really are the best, but how about 40?”

“40. Ok, I can do 40.” says God.

“Can I counter with 30?” Abraham replies.

“30? I can give you 30.”

“Can we go for 20?” Abraham asks.

“…Yes” says God.

“Ok, I swear that this is the last time that I can going to ask, but can we try 10?”

“Ten! Ok, ten. I will give you ten.” God replies.

Thus we learn that God can be easily out negotiated and that Abraham is the sort of man that you would want on your side when you are buying a new car.

So God sends two angels down to Sodom to have them check out the town. When the angels run into Lot, Lot invites them to his house to spend the night. “Naw, we are ok,” they say. “We are just going to crash in the town square.”

“That is a seriously horrible idea,” Lot says. “I really have to insist that you spend the night at my house and not in the town square.”

“Fine” the angels reply. “We will stay with if you insist so strongly.”

Thus we learn that Lot can also negotiate something fierce. Once Lot gets the two guys settled in his place and fed the ENTIRE male population of the whole town turns up at Lot’s house and says “Hey, bring out those two guys you have in there. We want to fuck them.”

“That is a horrible thing to suggest” Lot says to the horny rapey crowd. “Please don’t do that. I have two virgin daughters. How about you gang rape them instead?”

“No way!” the crowd shouts. “We don’t want pussy. Pussy is bullshit! We want that strange ass! Hand it over.”

This is when God and the angels realize that there are no redeeming qualities to the city of Sodom. “Get the heck outta here,” the angels say. “We taking this place down. We are leveling this stranger raping city of perverts. Leave before you also get destroyed.”

Thus Lot, the one good man in the entire city, fled and ran around a bit on the plains with his daughters before settling into a cave up in the mountains. His wife didn’t make it as she was unable to negotiate with God as well as her husband. After a while his two virgin daughters noticed that they were living in in a cave with only their father around and that there was a distinct lack of baby daddy material to be had.

So his his one daughter says to the other “Hey you know our dad who wanted to give our hymens to an entire city? We really need to preserve the family line. Let’s get him drunk and fuck him so that we can get pregnant.”

They then totally did just that and both got pregnant. Which must of made future family reunions kinda awkward. And also raises the the question, if the guy willing to offer up his virgin daughters to be gang raped by an entire town to protect the asses of two dudes he just met a few hours earlier is the one decent man in the entire city, what were the rest of the people in the city like? They probably did really bad things to kittens.

Ok boys and girls, that is our bible lesson for the day. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! Incest, gang rape and out haggling God for the win, am I right?


Lots' daughters get him drunk

Lots’ daughters get him drunk


The pillar of salt formerly known as Lot’s wife

You will meet people


And you will not like all of their flavors.

And that is okay.

You will meet some people that will take your breath away, where you click upon first very encounter, on a deep gut level, where you feel a delightful tingle and know they are kindred spirits of a like mind.

And you will meet people whose flavor is all wrong, whose taste is sharp and spiky and rancid in your psyche. Where every encounter rubs you the wrong way as if you are trying to make out with a porcupine.

And that is okay. There are over 7 billion people in this world, there is no way that you are going to get along with all of them.

Stay away from your own personal porcupines, give them space to go be sharp and spiky elsewhere. Cherish the ones you click with, hold them tight.

The magic ones, the ones that will take you on grand adventures and make your brain meat spark with pleasure, leaving you breathless and humming with endorphins and dopamine? Those are the people that you want to invest your precious time with.

Life is too short to spend interacting with unpleasant people, you don’t get back that time you spent resentfully in relationships, friendships and jobs that are not working for you. Yes, change is scary, moving forward can be terrifying and living in some stuck stasis can seem preferable to making that first step forward. I get it.

But there is magic waiting out there if you have the courage to look. Explore. Get lost. Get found. Grow. Learn. There are marvelous adventures out there awaiting you. All you need to do is take that first step forward. You will not regret it.

And keep dodging those damn porcupines.

In order to be in control of others, first you must be in control of yourself

It sounds delightful, does it not? Someone that obeys your every whim, exists to serve you and your needs and looks up to you worshipfully with stars in their eyes. Who wouldn’t want to sign up for that? What a self esteem booster, am I right?

So when you hear about this kinky lifestyle business, you can’t wait to become a part of it. This is what you have been waiting for your whole life! Maybe if you are really lucky you might end up with a harem of hot naked sex slaves at your beck and call feeding you grapes and doing your dishes.

It isn’t until you try and start collecting your rightful harem of starry-eyed submissives that you start to run into trouble. You start barking orders at these so called submissives and they…do not obey!! The shock. The horror.

Obviously they are not TRUE submissives and you thoughtfully take the time to point that out to them. They should be informed of the error of they ways. The shock continues as they are not receptive to your feedback on how a proper submissive should act. They might even mock you or snark at you in a very unsubmissive manner.

You slink away, discouraged and bitter and frustrated. You might even melt down and start insulting them, calling them “ugly” and “fat” and unworthy of the title of submissive. This BDSM thing is all a farce. Everyone is a fake, just game players and bad actors.

Take a deep breath and say it with me: “A submissive, not YOUR submissive.” As it turns out, the world is not teeming with weak-willed folk with just waiting to obey the orders of a complete stranger. Oh, sure, they are out there. But the people with low enough personal boundaries to blindly obey the orders of a stranger or relative stranger have low life expectancies. Usually from choking to death on their own drool or something of the sort.

In order to be in control of others, first you must be in control of yourself. And a “Dom” that comes charging at strangers demanding instant submission and then melting down when they do not get what they want doesn’t really inspire much panty dropping submission in others. It comes across as more like a 5 year old having a temper tantrum. And nobody wants to submit to a 5 year old…

Food for thought my friends.
Keep it kinky!

Can I get in that ass??!

Ever been curious what is is like in the festering swamp of crazy that is my inbox? Wonder no more!

From time to time I like to present some of the derp that flows my way on the daily. Today is one of those days. Normally I just delete and block. Just for once I tried to show this dudebro just how ridiculous he was being. I can’t say I had all that much luck. Guess I am back to the old delete and block. All spelling and messages unchanged, just his name is removed.


Can I get in that ass?

Why certainly!

I am incredibly wealthy, I have no job, nothing but free time and am the sluttiest person in the entire world!

When strangers from Illinois contact me asking to get in that ass, I buy a plane ticket and fly out on the spot! No condoms, no questions, I have a lovely case of herpes that I would like to share with you.

I am flying into your state tomorrow. I believe marriage is in our future. Particularly after I give you this herpes!

See you tomorrow my soul mate & life partner! How many kids are we planning on?


Good response!

I can’t wait to marry you!! Address please? I am coming.

Did you wanna give me ur number? That way when you land I’ll know ur calling and I’ll know to come pick you up?

I would rather surprise you! Surprises are the best! Give me your address.
Oh and give me your phone number.
Bank account too. No need for a pre nup, you can trust me!

Errrr. One quick question: Do you have two working kidneys & the x-rays to prove it?

Oh one last question, this is kinda crazy, but I am not asking for any particular reason, do you have anyone that might miss you it you didn’t get in contact with them? Clingy family members maybe?

These are great replies, lol. You dealt with trolling a lot I assume? If we only have butt sex I’m afraid we won’t be able to start a family. Let me know when you land

I notice that you are not giving up your address or phone number. I am so sad. I really thought we had something special! I thought we were soul mates!

Give me your legal name and place of work, I still believe in you. We can make this work baby, I swear!

I want all of your butt babies! Oh and where do you keep the pink slip to your car?

You know that the only way to get the dick in the ass is to be in the same room baby…you can’t be stingy with that address forever. Give it up. It is so cute when you play hard to get!

It’s 555 keep on dialing 5!

Now you are just boring me. Guess we weren’t soul mates after all. Dismissed.

And blocked as a quick look at his profile told me that he had actually been emailing me for the the past two years and I just hadn’t noticed before. He was actually admitting to trolling. There is no educating Dudebros evidently…

So you hate me…

You hate the things I say, the things I do, the way I look, I probably smell like stinky cheese. Truly I am a horrible person. I irritate you so much that you actually feel the need to take time out of your day and inform me what a bad person I am.

And I block you on the spot, as ain’t nobody have time for that. Telling me how much I bug you is your right. Blocking you is my right. No harm, no foul. We can move on and agree to disagree, am I right?

Where things go wrong is when you can not leave it alone and work your way around my blocks to keep informing me what a bad bad person I am.

You need to tell me that I am wrong, I am misinformed, my mother was a hamster. You keep going. You just can’t drop it. Your anger for me is eating you up. How much time are you going to devote to me? Why are you letting me live rent free in your head? You are giving all of your power over to me.

Hate is the opposite side of love, and you are focusing on me as much as my biggest fan. Might I suggest moving on with your life? Is telling strangers on the internet how horrible they are really the best use of your time? I mean, maybe it is, but that is honestly kind of sad. I do feel bad for you.

Keep on stalking if you must. I can block faster than you can work your way around my blocks. I humbly suggest taking a deep breath, stepping away from the computer and getting a hobby.

Lots of love,

So you want to be a fetish model…

Fetish Model

It sounds like the dream job doesn’t it? Fancy outfits, getting paid huge amounts of money to lie around being sexy, fans telling you how amazing you are on the regular, flexible hours, travel to exotic locations, who WOULDN’T want to be a fetish model??

Well, except for the fact that fetish modeling isn’t anything like that. Not even close. Done right, it can be a very fun and enjoyable activity, but it is not the path to fame and riches that it might appear to be at first glance. One should do it for the experiences and opportunities, not for the supposed bags of money & adoring fan base.

“How do you become a fetish model?” is one of the most common questions that I get asked by people. Today I will be going over tips, tricks, safety and what you can expect if you decide to give it a try.

The first thing you have to do is decide if you are comfortable with provocative photos of you being online, as those photos will be online forever. It can effect you getting certain jobs in the future, such as teaching or politics and some people will be made so uncomfortable that they will judge you as a person. If you are okay with the potential ramifications that being naked or near naked online can entail then let’s move on to the next step…what *kind* of model do you want to be?

There are dozens of varieties of modeling opportunities out there. Fully clothed, semi nude, full nude, erotic, private photo shoots for collectors, video shoots for companies, cam shows, starting and running your own website, demo modeling for classes and products, full porn shoots, the possibilities are endless and varied. Each type of modeling gig comes with its own type of expectations and requirements. Once you have settled on what type of model you wish to be, you can move forward on actually booking shoots.

The first myth I want to dispel is the myth that modeling pays bucketloads of cash and models are incredibly wealthy. Let’s use math to dispel this one. The average person works 5 days a week at roughly 40 hours. There is no modeling job that is 5 days a week, it is simply not possible to get that many gigs booked regularly. Say you land a shoot that pays $1000. That is amazing, right??! So much money for a single day of shooting! But how many $1000 gigs are you going to get booked in a month? Let’s be generous and say you get TWO in one month! That puts you at $24,000 a year. Before taxes. Modeling pays a lot of money for a short period of actual work, but people with regular jobs make way more money than a model would.

When I was a full time model I did camming, taught classes, did photo shoots, video shoots, full porn, Pro Domming AND did night club performances. All at the same time. And I was still struggling to make ends meet. Don’t ever let that $1000 paycheck distract you from how infrequently the gigs actually come in.

The other thing to be aware of is that most modeling is provocative to some degree and most photographers tend to be male. Having hot mostly naked women strike flattering poses only a few feet from you is why most photographers got into the business, let’s be honest here. The trick is to find a photographer that is professional enough that he can hold the drooling, hard-ons and sexual comments in check while he is working with you.

How does one do that? References, looking at their portfolio, seeing what other models they have worked with before, listening to your gut and paying attention to how they conduct themselves during the email or phone negations. Creepy and unprofessional will out themselves soon, and they will do it every single time. Your gut is going to tell you if something is not right, do not ignore your gut because you are hard up for money. It is when you are desperate to pay your rent that you find yourself in bad situations, situations that your inner voice warned you about but you disregarded because you needed gas for the car. Never disregard that gut feeling over desperation for money.

Once you DO have a gig, make sure at least one or two people know where you are, the address of the shoot location, the photographer’s first and last name, their phone number and how long the shoot is expected to take. Make a point of checking in with your safety call buddy in front of the photographer so that they know that someone is expecting you to be done by a certain time.

Now comes the hard part: booking gigs. Most of modeling isn’t being sexy in front of the camera, it is endless grooming, tanning, dieting, working out, shaving and looking for work. Life becomes a never ending series of job interviews and you most often do not get the job. It is hard to not take it personally, but if you do not develop a thick skin about rejection you will quickly lose your mind.

Social media is your best friend when it comes to finding work. Get a twitter, a model mayhem account, update your Facebook, join modeling groups, find sites you would like to work for and submit applications. Applications can get lost in the shuffle, if you don’t hear back submit 3 or 4 more. What is the worst they can do? Not hire you? Your persistence can pay off. Become your own agent. Hustle yourself, as you are the product that you are hustling. The more that you promote yourself, the more you put yourself out there, the higher your visibility will become and the easier it will be to land work.

You have finally done it! Dodged the creepers that want to put their hands all over you in the name of “erotic art”, got a portfolio that you are proud of and are landing work on the regular. Life is good. There is just one last thing to factor in…fans.

People WILL treat you different. It might be a disdain that you dared to get naked on the internet or it might be an artificial sense of familiarity because they already know what your butthole looks like. You will find that people fully expect to be your best friend…they know what you look like, sound like, act like, they like everything about you, how could you two NOT be best friends??! As far as they are concerned, you are best friends. And then they get offended when you do not act like the best friend  they know you to be. People either want to look down on you or they want to fuck you. Or they want to look down on you while fucking you.

If you can deal with the infrequent gigs, inappropriate photographers and overly familiar fans, modeling is an awesome and empowering job! I did it for years and I loved every single minute of it. Go forth and get your naked kinky self on. Good luck and enjoy :)


Goldilocks cock

Every woman has run into one or two in her lifetime. Not too big, not too small. It feels just right, the perfect cock. The second you sample it, you *know* it is the one for you. It just clicks, like a puzzle piece that you had been missing.

Yeah, I said it, not too big. Shocker, huh?

I don’t know if it is a male thing…bigger breasts, bigger ass, bigger balls, bigger truck, bigger dick. Bigger is always better, a sign of being a REAL man. Or something.

Over the years I have noticed the tide shifting in the oceans of unsolicited emails from horny men that comes with being a woman on the internet. It used to be that all of these suave Casanovas that came knocking hopefully, penis in hand, sported 8 inch dicks. 8 was the magic number and by miraculous coincidence every dick that got in touch with me boasted those measurements.

Times have changed and these days the new magic number seems to be 9 inches, nobody bothers with 8 inches anymore. It is truly astonishing how many massive dicked 9 inch big boys are looking to get laid online. And I call bullshit on that.

Roughly 1 percent of the population has a dick that is 9 inches or longer. Pure logic and math dictates that not all of these eager to share dicks can possibly clock in at 9 inches…somebody is lying. Lying about something unnecessarily I might add.

As it turns out, not all woman are size queens. Heck, MOST women are not size queens. I truly believe that size matters waaayyyy more to men than women. I have, on multiple occasions, turned down guys for being too big.When they dropped trousers and I saw what I had to deal with, I passed. It was just too much to be comfortable. I have never turned down a man for being too small. The big dicked guys were all understanding about being turned down too, as it was not the first nor would it be the last time that it happened to them.

Big dicks are just more difficult to work with. The bigger they are the harder it is for them to get hard. Most big dick is floppy at best, there simply isn’t enough extra blood available in a body to get that monster to full mast without doing a quick hookup to an IV blood bag. And while half mast dick can be worked with, what makes big dick particularly unpleasant is that they simply HURT.

The average length of a vagina is under 6 inches. If you are bring 9 inches to the table, that is 3 lonely cold inches just hanging out in the breeze unless you are trying to jam them up past the cervix. And those extra inches just hurt and make you sore. Hurting sore pussy is rarely a selling point. While it it true that a turned on pussy can expand and stretch to accommodate larger things, there is only so far that it can go.

I personally prefer lengthy extended fuck sessions with lots of anal and deepthroat, and those sessions are much harder to pull off with massive manmeat. I quickly become sore and sex stops being fun. And I like having fun. Three sore holes just means that I can not go as far or as long as I would like.

Finding your Goldilocks dick is always a delight. When you come across that puzzle piece, that one that works just right for you, you never forget it. You want to keep that one. And use it on the regular. Ladies, I wish you nothing but the best in your quest for your Goldilocks cock. And men? Enough with the nine inches already. It is not exactly the big selling point that you all seem to think it is…

Becoming kinky is the exact same thing as becoming a born again Christian

So you are walking around with a void inside yourself. There is something missing but you just don’t know what it is…there is just a niggling feeling that there is something you need in your life that you just are not getting.
And then you discover what it is! You become a born again Christian (kinky)

Suddenly it all makes sense.

  • You go to church (your local dungeon) every Sunday (Saturday night)
  • You start to lose your non Christian (vanilla) friends as they do not understand your new passion
  • It is all you want to talk about or do. It is a good thing that there are church meet ups (munches) so that you can hang out with your fellow Christians (kinksters) and discuss your favorite topic
  • You start dressing different, more modestly (more black and leather)
  • You proudly put your fish logo (BDSM flag sticker) on your car so that your fellow Christians (kinksters) can identify you
  • You want to learn more and eagerly go to bible discussion groups (classes) to increase your knowledge
  • People wonder why it is all you talk about, why there is now a sparkle in your eye and a new found spring in your step, it is like you have been reborn
  • Your language changes, you are talking about new things, using new terms that you learned now that you have joined the church (lifestyle)
Admit it. You joined the cult of kink. It is just floggers and orgasms as opposed to bibles and prayers. I know that when I cum hard enough I certainly see God…


Communication. That shit works.

It is the ultimate fantasy of course. To find that perfect person. That soulmate. Your other half. That person that perfectly compliments you to such a degree that all the two of you have to do is lock eyes and they understand your every desire and need, reading you as easily as a newspaper. After all, isn’t that what a soulmate is supposed to be able to do?

Here is the thing: That is fantasy. The stuff of movies. And you and I? We live in the real world.

In the real world soulmates do not understand your needs unless you actually open up your mouth hole and express them. To expect a partner to be able to understand what it is you need without taking the time to clearly communicate what it is puts the burden of telepathy on them. And they are going to fail that test every time.

How many of us are guilty of being in a situation that is clearly not working for us and yelling at the top of our lungs “Stop doing that so hard/soft/shift one inch over!” without ever actually opening our mouth and saying it? Most of us, am I right? Because you don’t want to be rude or kill the moment or a thousand other reasons.

It doesn’t matter how loud you yell in your head, the situation will not be resolved unless you settle down to the unsexy but necessary task of communicating. Throw out the window the concept of being so in-sync with another human being that talking things over is unnecessary, roll up your sleeves and get to work.

It will be hard at first, I am not going to lie. It is awkward, you don’t know where to start, how to say it, half the time you are not even sure what it is your needs are. But the more you do it the easier it gets. And a true soulmate is the one that will take the time to listen to your needs and desires and respects them.

Is it still too overwhelming? Here is a handy trick I use. Set up a time with your partner. This is not a blame game or a gripe session, this is a clearly booked time with your partner. Ten or 15 minutes, with a start time and a stop time. Think about what it is that you want to say before the time starts and know what it is your want to go over. While you can in the future apply it to all aspects of your relationship, let’s start off easy with sex.

Your partner always does this incredibly annoying thing of biting the head of your dick hard, like a dog worrying a chewtoy. They do it because their last partner LOVED it, so of course all cocks must like a good nip, right? And here you are white-knuckled and suffering, gripping the sheets of the bed in agony but so happy that there is lips around your dick that you are just going to power through until they move onto something else.

Why are you subjecting yourself to that? Don’t be afraid to speak up. The only thing that is going to happen is an improved sex life. And if they can not deal with your communicating your needs clearly, is that really someone that you would want to be interacting with anyway?

Food for thought my friends. Apply this concept to all aspects of your life and thing will only get better. I promise.


And then he was arrested…

The hand grabbed me from behind, strong and confident. There was no hesitation, no pause. It grabbed like it belonged there and dug into my ass. I was somewhat taken aback, as I was in the middle of my shopping and debating which was the best brand of cooking oil. “Surely” I thought “It is someone that I know that just happened to see me in the store and is saying hello in a very friendly way.” and I turned around to see who had such a huge handful of my ass in such a confident matter.

I came face to face with a complete stranger. A man I had never laid eyes on before. A man that felt he has the right to come up to me from behind in the middle of a store and lay his hands on me. Two of his friends stood next to him grinning.

I did not deal with it particularly well, to be honest.

My screams of rage brought the entire store to a halt. He pulled his hand away and bolted. I was not going to let him get away with blithely laying hands all over me. Without consequences, he would feel free to do something like this, or much much worse, in the future. I was going to take a stand, I have rights. My rights are not to have my body touched without my consent.

The perp fled out the store with me hot on his heels. Eventually he was cornered and captured by security in the parking lot and the cops were called. As I answered all of the officer’s questions for the assault report, they remarked how brave and strong I was, as if bringing a store to a halt, screaming at someone assaulting me and chasing them out of a building was unusual behavior.

It shouldn’t be.

Are most women trained to be quiet and acquiescent? To allow strangers to grab their bodies and not make a fuss because women shouldn’t be fussy? Would most women not give chase to a man who laid hands on them?

That saddens me.

Maybe I am not most women, I do not know. What I do know is that I am not afraid to stand up for myself. I am not afraid to demand my rights. I have a right to go shopping in broad daylight in a store with multiple witnesses and not have complete strangers coming up from behind and grabbing me. Ladies, do not be afraid to stand up for your rights. Do not allow people to violate you and say nothing because you don’t want to come across as “fussy”.

Because I was not afraid to stand up for my rights, the man that felt he could lay hands on me ended up in the back of a cop car. If all women reacted like me, I can tell you that men would think twice before assaulting. Please do not be afraid to take a stand. Please not be afraid to speak up. You have a right to not have your body touched if you do not give consent.

I will be pressing charges. I will do everything in my power to give this individual a wake up call. Hopefully he will never do something like this again. We will see. At least he has a record now.