In This edition of the Dirty Talk Advice Column I answer questions from a newbie to the scene who has never attended an event and is facing the fear of going solo, the concerned partner of someone who’s ass is painfully tight, and a kinkster who isn’t sure when to come out of the closet to a potential lover.
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How Can a Newbie to the Scene Overcome the Anxiety of Going to Their First Kink Event?
“I am a newbie to the scene. I want to go to events/munches/classes but I am afraid and anxious to go alone. Do you have any advice on how to get my foot in the door? ”–S.L.
Your question is actually one of the most frequently asked questions I receive S.L. So many newbies discover the lifestyle and then find themselves frozen and unable to make the first step on that journey they crave. Look, I understand all about anxiety. The truth is that most of us humans have severe anxiety and get nervous and anxious about things all of the time. But the magic is out there waiting for you. YOU have to go find it. It is not going to come knocking on your front door looking for you.
So many newbies find themselves trapped behind their computer, looking at all of the excitement that is to be had and unable to leave their house and go get it. Of course meeting new people and trying new things can be terrifying but you have to wade through the scary stuff to get to the good stuff.
Unlike events, where it seems like everybody already knows each other, classes are a great way to meet your fellow kinksters. Many people come to classes alone and it is a low pressure situation where no one is wearing leather assless chaps and everyone in the room has an interest in common. In fact, most classes are structured with a break portion. Using the break portion to strike up some casual conversation with your fellow class attendees is a great way to meet other kinksters. Explaining that you are a newbie and just getting started helps as well. Most people are happy to help others on their journey because they have been there as well.
As someone with social anxiety myself, I understand all too well how terrifying the concept of a munch where you don’t know anyone can be. Do you know that they actually have newbie munches? That’s right, munches specifically designed for newbies. Reach out to the munch host online before you go and let them know that you are a first-time attendee that is nervous. Look up who else is attending the munch and see if they are people that you would like to get to know better. Introduce yourself to the people that you found interesting and explain that you are new and it is your first munch. The more research you do online, the easier meeting people in the flesh will go.
However, in the end it is on you to do the work needed. We have ALL had to be that new person entering the lifestyle without any friends or acquaintances. Every single one of us. How do you think we all got here? Most of us did not happen to have a partner who wanted to explore kink at the same time as us and we got to explore everything together blissfully holding hands. We had to start as nervous newbies, just like you. Find the courage to put yourself out there and you will reap the rewards! Trust me on this.
How can I relax my partners ass for anal play?
“How can I relax my my partner’s ass enough to have anal? It is tight enough that it cut the circulation off on my finger! It actually hurts! ”–Signed Ow
An ass tight enough that it is cutting off the circulation to your finger is a sign of nervousness. There are no more clearer and obvious signs of anal play nerves then a butt hole doing its best impersonation of Fort Knox. Think about it. Your partner has obviously not died of constipation. Things bigger than a finger can get out, so why can’t a finger not get in? Because your partner is so nervous their tight little ass could turn a piece of coal into a diamond.
While there are tons of tips and techniques that work for helping to relax nervous asses, some people just are never able to let go and relax enough to successfully pull off anal play. Or they try it once and it doesn’t do anything for them. And that is OK. The first and most important step is to find out if your partner really wants to do anal play to begin with. Because their tight ass is telling you that they are having second thoughts.
Once you have established that it is truly something they want to do, you can start working on loosening them up. People get tight from nerves for two reasons: a fear of pain and a fear of being dirty. If they’re worried about being dirty, have them take a shower or do an enema or use baby wipes to make themselves feel fresh and clean. Once you take the fear of dirty asses off the table, you have to conquer the fear of pain.
Go slow. Relax them with a couple of orgasms first. Use a lot of lube. Then use some more. One can never have enough lube. Did I mention go slow? Let them know that you are not going to go rushing like a cattle stampede right into their nervous little backdoor. Give them encouragement and told them what a great job they are doing. And after all of this their ass is still cutting off your finger circulation, then maybe it was just not meant to be. Anal play is not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. Good luck!
When is the best time to reveal my kinks to a perspective partner?
“I am kinky, but I worry about people judging me for it. If I am on a vanilla date, how do I share that I have kinky interests without scaring them off? I never know when the right time to reveal myself is! ” –Sincerely, G.T.
The right time to be honest about your kinky desires is immediately. Yes, immediately. While you shouldn’t start out your date with “I love tying people down onto a dildo and whipping their backs raw!” you certainly should end the date with that. Not six months from now. Not after you’ve gotten so frustrated that you can no longer hold it back. Not while you wait to find the “right” time and place. Letting your vanilla partner to fall for you and develop a relationship with you while you hide a huge part of who you really are is a huge disservice to the both of you.
Tricking a vanilla into liking a fake version of you and then waiting to reveal the truth about who you really are is pretty low. While the fear of being judged is understandable, what exactly do you have to lose by telling the truth? Hiding your true self in the closet solves nothing.
You will never feel truly happy and relaxed if you have to be in denial about who you are. Be honest. What’s the worst that can happen? Either you are honest about your kinky proclivities and your vanilla date cannot deal and there are no more dates or you just might find out that your date is also kinky! Being honest and forthright saves everyone’s time. The more clear and honest you are about your intentions and desires, the higher the chances are you actually get those desires met. And if your vanilla date can not deal with your kinky ass, that is on them. Not you.